Crap jokes thread

[Beatmonkey]

Bringing a vast quantity of flapjack is quite a good idea though. A festival is exactly the kinda place where a couple of bits of flapjack could be swapped for the keys to the battlestar galatica or something.

[baldmosher]

Bringing a vast quantity of flapjack is quite a good idea though. A festival is exactly the kinda place where a couple of bits of flapjack could be swapped for the keys to the battlestar galatica or something.

Good point! Tavdy, how about we meet up at 11am every day at Glade, and exchange a fresh coffee for a flapjack?

[PaulX]

Bringing a vast quantity of flapjack is quite a good idea though. A festival is exactly the kinda place where a couple of bits of flapjack could be swapped for the keys to the battlestar galatica or something.

Good point! Tavdy, how about we meet up at 11am every day at Glade, and exchange a fresh coffee for a flapjack?

Not a bad idea at all.

[tavdy79]

Bringing a vast quantity of flapjack is quite a good idea though. A festival is exactly the kinda place where a couple of bits of flapjack could be swapped for the keys to the battlestar galatica or something.

Good point! Tavdy, how about we meet up at 11am every day at Glade, and exchange a fresh coffee for a flapjack?

You offering to buy me a ticket to Glade then?

Sunrise was to be my only festival this year since I'm skint, and after spending a shitload of money getting there and back there's no way I could afford another - irrespective of how cheap it is - without someone buying me a ticket to get in.

[baldmosher]

You offering to buy me a ticket to Glade then?

Sunrise was to be my only festival this year since I'm skint, and after spending a shitload of money getting there and back there's no way I could afford another - irrespective of how cheap it is - without someone buying me a ticket to get in.

I can't do that again, already paid for a mate's ticket but that sucks.

[tavdy79]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato
garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter
to his son and described his predicament.



Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden!
That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Fred



At 4 o'clock the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.



Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.

Love, Fred

[tavdy79]

100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and
knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

[tavdy79]

I'm now most of the way through the wine I bought for Sunrise. And quite some considerably way beyonf drunk. As evidenced by the fact that it's taken me 10 minutes to write this. I'm still not sure about the pselling and ramgmar. There are red lines everywhere. I'm having anogther glass ow fine.

[Twist]

your pselling and ramgmar is fine.

moar wine!

[baldmosher]

I was at a house party on Saturday and a mate of mine was selling the special flapjacks he'd made for Sunrise. Apparently he was in the queue just waiting for the gates to open when security started closing everything up again, they had heard warnings from a village that had just been washed out and two mins later a massive black cloud came over sounds a bit like Glade only without the warnings!

Anyway, I swapped two flappies for a j and all was well, and I had a really nice 10 hour sleep on Sunday morning would've been nicer if the kids hadn't been racing that bloody mini moto up and down the road.