Crap jokes thread

[tavdy79]

You missed one!

'PUMP FRICTION'

Casawanker

Gang Bangs of New York

Mamma in Mia

[tavdy79]

'Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii' not a girl's name, New Zealand court rules



And I thought Americans were bonkers!

[tavdy79]

I just heard a rumour that John Barrowman is tipped to play Captain America in the film due in 2011.

Is it just me, or can anyone else see Americans having a problem with a gay Scotsman playing a "national hero"?

Next thing you know Mehdi Kazemi will be the next "Robin" in the batman films...



*also* - update on the funny porn titles:

Who Rogered Roger Rabbit

A Streetwalker Named Desire

Great Sexpectations

A Tale of Two Titties

The Italian BlowJob

Oklahomo

Jane Bond 0069 - Licensed to Thrill

Dawson's Crack

[pd2h]

TOP 10 It's there who know why!!!

[tavdy79]

New nick-name for fat lascivious men:

Jabba the Slutt

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

I've just read in Music Week that Sister Ray have gone into administration. After Wreckless Records and all the other discount places closing down, very soon there won't be a reason for me to go up west....

[leah]

up west....

i went this evening *shudder*

rubbish, innit?

[leah]

ding! ding!



edit: once cos i bwoke the wules, twice cos i forgot to exthplain why i edited

[rymalco]

bump!

[buzzingtalk]

I've just read in Music Week that Sister Ray have gone into administration. After Wreckless Records and all the other discount places closing down, very soon there won't be a reason for me to go up west....

yeah its savage aint it

the state of record shopping in london is now shit.

[baldmosher]

Bumps and dings are banned from this thread.

However, meaningless posts about needing your second poo of the day are, and this is a case in point, perfectly acceptable.

[leah]

[baldmosher]

Kimura describes the event as follows:

"20,000 people came to see the bout including President of Brazil. Helio was 180cm and 80kg. When I entered the stadium, I found a coffin. I asked what it was. I was told, "This is for Kimura. Helio brought this in." It was so funny that I almost burst into laughter. As I approached the ring, raw eggs were thrown at me. The gong rang. Helio grabbed me in both lapels, and attacked me with O-soto-gari and Kouchi-gari. But they did not move me at all. Now it's my turn. I blew him away up in the air by O-uchi-gari, Harai-goshi, Uchimata, Ippon-seoi. At about 10 minute mark, I threw him by O-soto-gari. I intended to cause a concussion. But since the mat was so soft that it did not have much impact on him. While continuing to throw him, I was thinking of a finishing method. I threw him by O-soto-gari again. As soon as Helio fell, I pinned him by Kuzure-kami-shiho-gatame. I held still for 2 or 3 minutes, and then tried to smother him by belly. Helio shook his head trying to breathe. He could not take it any longer, and tried to push up my body extending his left arm. That moment, I grabbed his left wrist with my right hand, and twisted up his arm. I applied Udegarami. I thought he would surrender immediately. But Helio would not tap the mat. I had no choice but keep on twisting the arm. The stadium became quiet. The bone of his arm was coming close to the breaking point. Finally, the sound of bone breaking echoed throughout the stadium. Helio still did not surrender. His left arm was already powerless. Under this rule, I had no choice but twist the arm again. There was plenty of time left. I twisted the left arm again. Another bone was broken. Helio still did not tap. When I tried to twist the arm once more, a white towel was thrown in. I won by TKO. My hand was raised high. Japanese Brazilians rushed into the ring and tossed me up in the air. On the other hand, Helio let his left arm hang and looked very sad withstanding the pain."

I'm emailing this dude right now, he works for our Japanese office (possibly)

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Bumps and dings are banned from this thread.

However, meaningless posts about needing your second poo of the day are, and this is a case in point, perfectly acceptable.

I'm just about to have my first poo of the day.

Is THIS acceptable? and if not, what are you goingto do about it?

Eh?

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

I must apologise for my cussedness in the last post - I fractured my elbow last Wednesday, and whilst landing on it bruised my ribs to boot! And I'm pissed because it looks as though it was nobodys responsibility and I can't, in these health and safety concious days where to fart in somebodys presence is to invite litigation on the grounds of damage to feelings and nasal hairs, sue anybody!

It's nothing a salty old sea dog can't handle tho' - Luckily (Eh?) it's my right elbow so I'll still be wielding a cutless with my left you cursed land lubber dogs...

[buzzingtalk]

JUST HAD A BIG POO

picture on request


*joke.

[baldmosher]

Gutted, I was gonna post a link to one I prepared earlier but I seem to have deleted it from Photobucket in one of my more inspired moments.

[buzzingtalk]

Gutted, I was gonna post a link to one I prepared earlier but I seem to have deleted it from Photobucket in one of my more inspired moments.

what, a poo?

do you 'prepare' your poo. i tend to see it as an anal exhalation

SEXY BIG TERMINOLOGY

i h'actually have a pic of a poo i did at glade, my freind wanted a picture but i got lost 'in the moment' and wiped before taking a pic, thus blocking the money shot with tissue paper

[tavdy79]

Tabloid headlines:

"Hong Kong pooh poohs Nishi-Nishi dum-dums"

From an Australian newspaper, reporting on the Hong Kong's Government's repudiation of the Japanese newspaper Nishi-Nishi Shimbun's claims that they were using soft-nosed bullets on rioters.


"Nut screws washers and bolts"

A particularly tragic story of several girls who were raped in a laundrette by an escaped psychiatric patient who then promptly did a runner.

[joe_techno]

shit fuck cunt

[Sperge]

Tabloid headlines:

"Hong Kong pooh poohs Nishi-Nishi dum-dums"

From an Australian newspaper, reporting on the Hong Kong's Government's repudiation of the Japanese newspaper Nishi-Nishi Shimbun's claims that they were using soft-nosed bullets on rioters.


"Nut screws washers and bolts"

A particularly tragic story of several girls who were raped in a laundrette by an escaped psychiatric patient who then promptly did a runner.

Those are actually very poor examples of sub-editing. Part of the art of sub-editing is knowing when to make light of a serious story and when to shut the fuck up and just play it straight. Journalists do use "gallows humour" amongst themselves in the newsroom - sometimes it's the only way to get through the day when working on some particularly tragic or macabre stories - but to pass those particular headlines for publication on those particular stories is simply amateurish and crass. Rape is never a joking matter. Not. Ever.

[leah]

shit fuck cunt

beautifully put

[Slypsy]

Rape is never a joking matter. Not. Ever.

I beg to differ....


A bloke walks up to a woman in a bar and says "i am going to have sex with you tonight"

"My" she says, "you are very confident. What makes you so sure of that?"

to which he replies "I am stronger than you are"



9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape...

sorry

[Sperge]

I beg to differ....

You have my permission to beg, pant, yelp, jump and perform back somersaults just like a little puppy. But do not piss on the floor or furniture or you'll be whacked with a rolled-up newspaper.

[baldmosher]

Rape is never a joking matter

Unless you're raping a comedian!!


"Next please"
"Rape, murder, arson, and rape"
"You said rape twice"
"I like rape"


"I GOT IT I GOT IT! We'll run up a Number 6 on em"
"Number 6? Number 6? I'm not familiar with that one"
"It's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whumpin' and a whompin' every living thing that moves to within an inch of its life. Except the women folks of course."
"You spare the women?"
"Hell no! We rape the living shit outta them at the Number 6 Dance later on!"