Crap jokes thread

[tavdy79]

More tech support fun:


* Tech Support: "Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?"
* Customer: "Yes, is this the help desk?"
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, it is; how may I help you?"
* Customer: (in a very strained and excited voice) "I can't go to the bathroom!"
* Tech Support: "Sir...I am not sure what your definition of a help desk is, but I don't believe I am qualified to help you with that problem."
* Customer: "You have to. The nearest bathroom is broken, and the toilet is overflowing. I don't know what to do. Send someone up to repair it."
* Tech Support: "Sir, we only open do troubleshooting on computers, not bathrooms and toilets."
* Customer: "But it's the same thing!"
* Tech Support: "Um, no it's not."
* Customer: "It is too! It's repairing things! Now I want someone up here right now."
* Tech Support: "It's two entirely different things. Computers run on electricity and have hundreds of parts. Toilets run on water."
* Customer: "It's an emergency! Can you send someone up to fix it?"
* Tech Support: "Sir, might I suggest that you use another bathroom?"
* Customer: "AGH! I CAN'T USE ANOTHER BATHROOM! I HAVE TO GO NOW! GET SOMEONE UP HERE NOW!"
* Tech Support: "Sir, I cannot. I have no way to do that. I fix computers. Not toilets."
* Customer: (rant, rant, rave, rave)
* Tech Support: "I'm sorry, I really can't help you."
* Customer: "Oh gosh...oh my pants!" (click)

[tavdy79]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you
say to her? "

Mike replies : Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss. The teacher says: That
would be very rude and improper on your part.

Johnny replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute. The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word
"toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant.

And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to
you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out.

____


An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, drinks some Guinness, and, after a
while finds himself in a very high-class area with big residences but no
pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds
a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings
and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes,"said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie.

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the
cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really
decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality"?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Sperge]

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

Yeah, the (obviously American) writer of that tale sure has a good grasp of how London coppers talk.

[Dominick Destruction]

Yeah, they've not been quite so jolly & o so polite in my personal experience.

[baldmosher]

Yeah, they've not been quite so jolly & o so polite in my personal experience.

Stop pissing on their legs then!

[ferg]

it wasn't in the top ten

ban everyone

[Slypsy]

We were all just waiting to see if you would post to bump it, Ferg, and you were too slow i am afraid so no prize for you

[ferg]

[tavdy79]

Gary Glitter was rescued early this morning after attempting to commit suicide by jumping from Beachy Head; he was found several miles out in the English Channel, bobbing up and down on a small buoy.

He has since checked into the Priory clinic, in an attempt to cure himself of his 12 year old crack addiction.

[Sperge]

Gary Glitter was rescued early this morning after attempting to commit suicide by jumping from Beachy Head; he was found several miles out in the English Channel, bobbing up and down on a small buoy.

He has since checked into the Priory clinic, in an attempt to cure himself of his 12 year old crack addiction.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7573812.stm

I'm very disappointed that he didn't sing "Hello, hello, good to be back..."

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

I saw Gary Glitter once, headlining the Kent Custom Bike Show, in around 1990/91?

The Kent Custom Bike Show was an event organised by the Kent Hells Angels, an official offshoot of the All England Chapter, Hells Angels MC.

If only we knew then what we all know now...

[baldmosher]

In some countries it's illegal to wear clothes on the wrong part of your body

Gary Glitter was imprisoned just for putting a tie on his cock

[Sperge]

I saw Gary Glitter once, headlining the Kent Custom Bike Show, in around 1990/91?

The Kent Custom Bike Show was an event organised by the Kent Hells Angels, an official offshoot of the All England Chapter, Hells Angels MC.

If only we knew then what we all know now...

He had this memorable line in "I'm the Leader of the Gang":

"I'm the man who put the BANG in GANG"

Book him for BFW, James?

[acid]

In some countries it's illegal to wear clothes on the wrong part of your body

Gary Glitter was imprisoned just for putting a tie on his cock

what have gary glitter and kodak camera films got in common??????????????

they both come in little yellow boxes.




sorry.

[acid]

on a lighter note but staying in Thailand

anyone tried this:



poor mouse.

[tavdy79]

I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.



Why is watching a ship being built more interesting than watching paint dry?

Because it's riveting.



The Doctor said, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Larry said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been
bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet and regain his composure

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Larry replied.

[baldmosher]

on a lighter note but staying in Thailand

Interesting, I'm a City fan so the dude ultimately responsible for those 3,000 drug deaths is running my football club.

[tavdy79]

Sex and the Olympic city

Enjoy!!!

[tavdy79]

It was the first day of school in the U.S.A., and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand
up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" he
said.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar pipes up, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the child witnesses testifying against him--2004!"

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think that was George Bush, Iraq, 2007."

_____


One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry
sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but
don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his
WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't
see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly
'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this
particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located
in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and
office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and
the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's
pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells
like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows
who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

[Sperge]

Cheers, Tavdy, for copying and pasting all those crap American jokes that people email to me and I ignore...

[Beatmonkey]

Isn't copying and pasteing the latest round robin e-mails all tavdy ever does anyway these days?

[baldmosher]

round robin

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Escape is impossible!

[muppet]

Whoops, well outside!

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

The beard has gone from the boat party and head clean shaven.

I shall be attending the next BANGFACE 'Al Jarreau'....