Crap jokes thread

[tavdy79]

More tech support fun:


* Tech Support: "Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?"
* Customer: "Yes, is this the help desk?"
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, it is; how may I help you?"
* Customer: (in a very strained and excited voice) "I can't go to the bathroom!"
* Tech Support: "Sir...I am not sure what your definition of a help desk is, but I don't believe I am qualified to help you with that problem."
* Customer: "You have to. The nearest bathroom is broken, and the toilet is overflowing. I don't know what to do. Send someone up to repair it."
* Tech Support: "Sir, we only open do troubleshooting on computers, not bathrooms and toilets."
* Customer: "But it's the same thing!"
* Tech Support: "Um, no it's not."
* Customer: "It is too! It's repairing things! Now I want someone up here right now."
* Tech Support: "It's two entirely different things. Computers run on electricity and have hundreds of parts. Toilets run on water."
* Customer: "It's an emergency! Can you send someone up to fix it?"
* Tech Support: "Sir, might I suggest that you use another bathroom?"
* Customer: "AGH! I CAN'T USE ANOTHER BATHROOM! I HAVE TO GO NOW! GET SOMEONE UP HERE NOW!"
* Tech Support: "Sir, I cannot. I have no way to do that. I fix computers. Not toilets."
* Customer: (rant, rant, rave, rave)
* Tech Support: "I'm sorry, I really can't help you."
* Customer: "Oh gosh...oh my pants!" (click)

[tavdy79]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you
say to her? "

Mike replies : Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss. The teacher says: That
would be very rude and improper on your part.

Johnny replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute. The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word
"toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant.

And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to
you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out.

____


An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, drinks some Guinness, and, after a
while finds himself in a very high-class area with big residences but no
pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds
a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings
and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes,"said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie.

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the
cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really
decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality"?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[PaulX]

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

Yeah, the (obviously American) writer of that tale sure has a good grasp of how London coppers talk.

[Dominick Destruction]

Yeah, they've not been quite so jolly & o so polite in my personal experience.

[baldmosher]

Yeah, they've not been quite so jolly & o so polite in my personal experience.

Stop pissing on their legs then!

[ferg]

it wasn't in the top ten

ban everyone

[Slypsy]

We were all just waiting to see if you would post to bump it, Ferg, and you were too slow i am afraid so no prize for you

[ferg]

[tavdy79]

Gary Glitter was rescued early this morning after attempting to commit suicide by jumping from Beachy Head; he was found several miles out in the English Channel, bobbing up and down on a small buoy.

He has since checked into the Priory clinic, in an attempt to cure himself of his 12 year old crack addiction.

[PaulX]

Gary Glitter was rescued early this morning after attempting to commit suicide by jumping from Beachy Head; he was found several miles out in the English Channel, bobbing up and down on a small buoy.

He has since checked into the Priory clinic, in an attempt to cure himself of his 12 year old crack addiction.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7573812.stm

I'm very disappointed that he didn't sing "Hello, hello, good to be back..."