Crap jokes thread

[tavdy79]

A random pondering:


Would a person afflicted with a complicated and lesser-known form of a condition in which one is obsessed with intricate examples of inter-connected buildings be suffering from a complex complex complex complex?


Incidentally, my brother tells me that he admires the handiwork of the grafitti artist in Cambridge, whose strategic use of a bottle of Tippex and a black marker pen has turned St Mary's Passage into St Mary's Sausage. Personally. I can't help but think that the sign was hardly in need of an innuendo makeover in the first place!

[NateDawg]

...never ask for help on the interwebz...

[tavdy79]

Short, slightly random and (most importantly) true, which is why it amused me.

A friend of mine is heavily into horses - both riding and racing - and was telling me how he'd lost £25 betting on a horse called Cute Ass in a race yesterday. I (perhaps unsurprisingly) came back with the retort that anyone riding a cute ass was bound to come in bottom.

(badum-tsh)

[acid]

...never ask for help on the interwebz...

That is WELL funny.

[acid]

Short, slightly random and (most importantly) true, which is why it amused me.

A friend of mine is heavily into horses - both riding and racing - and was telling me how he'd lost £25 betting on a horse called Cute Ass in a race yesterday. I (perhaps unsurprisingly) came back with the retort that anyone riding a cute ass was bound to come in bottom.

(badum-tsh)

[tavdy79]

Anagram of "Lloyds TSB HBOS" - "Bolshy STD Slob"

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

I was round a mates last night and he started to tell what I consider to be the greatest joke ever! A joke so funny that it had me rolling on the floor before he even got to the punchline.

Unfortunately it's a visual joke - if you see me at BANGFACE (or wherever) ask me about 'The Frenchman'

[tavdy79]

If we give it a few more years then Lesbos (or whatever LloydsTSBHBOSC&GSW calls itself) will have merged with all the other banks, including the Bank of England (may as well, why not?) and will also be responsible thus for supplying our bank notes.

Does that mean we'll be using monopoly money?

[tavdy79]

What's the difference between Tory economic policy and a black hole?

You can find evidence for the existence of Black holes

[PaulX]

If we give it a few more years then Lesbos (or whatever LloydsTSBHBOSC&GSW calls itself) will have merged with all the other banks, including the Bank of England (may as well, why not?) and will also be responsible thus for supplying our bank notes.

Does that mean we'll be using monopoly money?

Nah, at least Monopoly money is worth the paper it's written on.

[baldmosher]

That's an unfair jibe, Sterling is printed on cotton.

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Did anybody (apart from Dominick!) go to the Superhire warehouse squat rave in North Acton on Saturday night?

Any thoughts?

[baldmosher]

Did anybody (apart from Dominick!) go to the Superhire warehouse squat rave in North Acton on Saturday night?

Any thoughts?

I wish I'd gone?

[PaulX]

Did anybody (apart from Dominick!) go to the Superhire warehouse squat rave in North Acton on Saturday night?

Any thoughts?

Yeah, why didn't you tell us about it, you bastard?

[tavdy79]

"Dear M&S,

I came into your shop this morning fully intending to start my Easter 2009 shopping. I have grand-children that are not yet born and may require Easter eggs next year. You can imagine my horror to find that you had not anticipated my needs and instead have Christmas stuff everywhere - don't you realise that the Christmas season now starts in JULY!!!! September is for Easter shopping. Please sack someone.

Yours, Dotty Hinge (Mrs)"

[PaulX]

"Dear M&S,

I came into your shop this morning fully intending to start my Easter 2009 shopping. I have grand-children that are not yet born and may require Easter eggs next year. You can imagine my horror to find that you had not anticipated my needs and instead have Christmas stuff everywhere - don't you realise that the Christmas season now starts in JULY!!!! September is for Easter shopping. Please sack someone.

Yours, Dotty Hinge (Mrs)"

She didn't demand £1m compensation for infringement of her human rights. Tsk, amateurs.

[tavdy79]

Since no-one seems to be tending this thread, I'm going to inflict a joke on you all.



A Catholic priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession...'

[baldmosher]

Since no-one seems to be tending this thread, I'm going to inflict a joke on you all.

You're never!!

actually that one's quite good

[tavdy79]

Funny quote of the day - an American overheard in a tourist shop near the River Severn.

"Which side of the river is the Ironbridge on?"

[tavdy79]

The dutch commercial channel went live to the news room to talk to the 8 o'clock news presenter about what was going to be on the show. Look behind the news presenter and see what happens:

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/258021/ ... sdfas.html

[baldmosher]

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/258021/2e2907df/dsdfas.html

Surely not a real one??! Anyone speak Dutch and would like to affirm?

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Shouldn't it be spelt 'Blouwjob'?

[baldmosher]

Dear Sirs, The battery you sent me is a counterfeit item.

eBay is committed to the fight against counterfeit products because:

* Trust in our site is undermined by the presence of counterfeits
* It's illegal
* Buying a counterfeit is a bad consumer experience
* Honest sellers face lower average selling prices

At eBay, we're constantly looking at better ways to prevent counterfeit sellers from trading on our site, including:

* Proactively removing blatant counterfeits
* Removing items reported to us as counterfeit by over 18,000 brand owners
* Removing counterfeit sellers from the site
* Working closely with Law Enforcement to prosecute offenders
* Enforcing selling limits on items favoured by counterfeiters
* Restricting seller activity in certain categories
* Providing free tools for Right Owners to efficiently identify and report items

Key Stats:

* Counterfeits are a global challenge, with some estimates claiming they account for over seven per cent of world trade
* In 2007, 2.2 million potentially counterfeit listings were removed across all eBay sites
* We also eBay suspended approximately 50,000 sellers and blocked 40,000 previously suspended sellers from coming back
* Virtually 100% of the reported listings judged to be counterfeit are removed, 95% of them before the listing ends, 90% within 12 hours, and the majority of them within 4 hours
* eBay spends over £10 million annually on maintaining a safe site and has over 2,000 employees around the world to help with the fight against counterfeits
* In 2007, we trained 7,000 law enforcement officials and assisted in over 66,000 investigations and in the arrest or conviction of over 500 individuals

O RLY

[tavdy79]

I came


I ate


I had really bad indigestion

CLEARFIELD, Pa. – It took Brad Sciullo 4 hours and 39 minutes to finish a marathon. A meat marathon, that is. The 5-foot-11, 180-pound western Pennsylvania chef is the first person to eat a monstrosity called the Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser: a 15-pound burger with toppings and a bun that brought the total weight to 20.2 pounds.

The mountain of beef is the product of Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, about 100 miles northeast of Pittsburgh in Clearfield.

Sciullo, 21, of Uniontown, said he was surprised he finished the sandwich Monday. "About three hours into it, things got tough," he said.

When asked what possessed him to eat a burger that big, Sciullo said: "I wanted to see if I could."

The burger included a bun, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, mild banana peppers and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard and relish, pub owner Dennis Liegey said.

For completing the challenge in the under-five-hour time limit, Sciullo won $400, three T-shirts, a certificate "and a burger hangover, as I call it," Liegey said.

[PaulX]

In true tavdy style, here's one of those recycled American jokes that gets emailed by people who send you crap all the time. This one's quite funny though...


While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Palin and her bid.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a 'Post Turtle".


Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle".

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, and she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put her up there to begin with".