Crap jokes thread

[Dominick Destruction]

Do vegans spit or swallow?


Just one of the many questions of the universe that I ponder over

[tavdy79]

E-mail error ends up on road sign



When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed.

Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council said in Welsh: "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated".

(follow the link for the rest)

[Sperge]

One of my favourite Bill Hicks clips - "Your children aren't special!"

[acid]

Do vegans spit or swallow?


Just one of the many questions of the universe that I ponder over

if you had to be a gay bloke. would you be the giver or the taker?

one question i dont have an answer for.

[tavdy79]

if you had to be a gay bloke. would you be the giver or the taker?

one question i dont have an answer for.

Both, preferably at the same time.

______

And on a completely unrelated subject, according to "If The World Could Vote?", if the entire planet was voting in tomorrow's US elections McCain would win just two countries - FYR Macedonia and Albania - and would lose overall by 13.1%, with Obama taking 86.9%.

[baldmosher]

if you had to be a gay bloke. would you be the giver or the taker?

one question i dont have an answer for.

Both, preferably at the same time.

I wonder how many men you would need to complete the circle?

[Magma]

if you had to be a gay bloke. would you be the giver or the taker?

one question i dont have an answer for.

Both, preferably at the same time.

I wonder how many men you would need to complete the circle?

9.

No, wait, I don't know.

[CunningStunt]

if you had to be a gay bloke. would you be the giver or the taker?

one question i dont have an answer for.

Both, preferably at the same time.

I wonder how many men you would need to complete the circle?

Surley the logistics of this are limited?

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

If your turds float, does that make you a Witch?

[CunningStunt]

If your turds float, does that make you a Witch?

No but you probably need more fibre in your diet! lol

[baldmosher]

Wyse words

Hoebylo

The telephone call you make purely to say goodbye to someone, having been cut off by the mobile network just before saying it at the end of the previous conversation. You then get voicemail, requiring the other party to call you back to say hello and confirm receipt of the goodbye.

Shit word, funny context. I'm terrible at saying goodbye unless the other person also wants to say goodbye asap. My mate Pete and I have stupidly long conversations about nothing because he gets unlimited free minutes so never bothers hanging up.

[tavdy79]

if you had to be a gay bloke. would you be the giver or the taker?

one question i dont have an answer for.

Both, preferably at the same time.

I wonder how many men you would need to complete the circle?

Surley the logistics of this are limited?

For a standing daisy-chain you need at least a dozen, but if you've got guys who are flexible enough there's a way in which it could be done by as a few as four of five. (I'll leave you to wonder exactly how)


_____


Warning - I got another one! The punch-line kinda sneaks up on you when you least expect it...


John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers(hens), called pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He
kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on
the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to
investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-
ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

[leah]

why do women wear makeup and perfume?

cos they're ugly and they smell.

[Sperge]

Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties.

It's not big and it's not clever.

[Magma]

why do women wear makeup and perfume?

cos they're ugly and they smell.

Brilliance.

[baldmosher]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

[Sperge]

Baby high heels are very, very wrong.

[leah]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

superb! must try to memorise that, although i'm terrible at remembering jokes. apart from this one...

a man goes into a clock shop, takes out his knob and slaps it on the counter.

raising an eyebrow, the lady assistant says, "sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop."

the man replies, "put two hands and a face on it then."

[tavdy79]

Some of these are *incredibly* bad-taste jokes - be warned! (I have actually removed one that would have been a little too much for even your strong stomachs)

____

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
____

Following a whirlwind romance, Gary Glitter is to marry his fiance in Gretna.
When asked why her parents were not invited, he claimed his bride had not spoken to her parents since a nightmare holiday in Portugal last year.
____

I gather necrophillia and incest are similar. Apparently one is dead boring and the other is relatively boring.
____

How do you tell if you are in a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.
____

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are into.
____

Gary Glitter has requested that if he dies he wants his ashes to be put into Etch-a-sketches everywhere so that he can still have children play with him.
____

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow
____

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills Gran, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny answers: "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

[tavdy79]

Oh so true...

[baldmosher]

I had to read this twice.

1997 TOYOTA CELICA BLACK BEAUTIFUL CONDITION LADY OWNER

[tavdy79]

Cunning linguists are considering renaming women's public hair in honour of Obama. After all, who wants to lick out Bush?

[leah]

[Foxy]

[Sperge]

Hi Foxy, welcome to our humble abode.