Crap jokes thread

[PaulX]

On a side note that did spin me out a bit last year. We stopped the BangBus (or ' an us ' as it was then) in a garage and I scanned the front pages of the newspapers out the front.

You were in the BangBus?

Legends!

[wooly_sammoth]

It's returning this year. We're thinking the 'Big Bang Bus' and possibly making it look like a shuttle. We're going to need a whole lot of electrical tape though.

[PaulX]

It's returning this year. We're thinking the 'Big Bang Bus' and possibly making it look like a shuttle. We're going to need a whole lot of electrical tape though.

Careful it doesn't burn up on re-entry.

[baldmosher]

On a side note that did spin me out a bit last year. We stopped the BangBus

You were in the BangBus?

A quick Google search will tell you why I think this is very funny.

[tavdy79]

thnk m cmptr s cnstptd - ts hvng prblms wth ts vwls

[wooly_sammoth]

Just did a 'Google search'. That is the Bangbus I was referring to. Was there another?

[Dominick Destruction]

It's returning this year. We're thinking the 'Big Bang Bus' and possibly making it look like a shuttle. We're going to need a whole lot of electrical tape though.

PLEASE do this!

Legends

I'm tryign to work out how to pimp my Corsa ha.

[baldmosher]

Just did a 'Google search'. That is the Bangbus I was referring to. Was there another?

Are you D Sanches????

PS I'm guessing you have Google Safe Search on or this entire conversation makes no sense to me.

[wooly_sammoth]

Ah,
Yup... Safe Search was on......

Statement retracted!

[BARRY SCOTT]

HI, BARRY SCOTT HERE! THAT BANG BUS COULD DO WITH A BIT OF A CLEANING, ALL THOSE MESSY STAINS EVERYWHERE! BUT WITH ALL THOSE LOVELY YOUNG LADIES TO DO THE HOUSEWORK AND SOME CILLIT BANG, IT'LL ALL BE DONE IN A JIFFY.

[baldmosher]

You are now property of the BangBus, bitch.

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

You are now property of the BangBus, bitch.

'Room for one more on top....'

[admin]

You are now property of the BangBus, bitch.

'Room for one more on top....'

Are you getting off here?

[baldmosher]

'Room for one more on top....'

Are you getting off here?

You two need to conduct yourselves better.

[yudlugar]

When does a pentagon have 4 sides?

When it intersects a plane.

[PaulX]

When does a pentagon have 4 sides?

When it intersects a plane.

Shouldn't that be "wake up and smell the thermite" or something?

[tavdy79]

I saw this over on a gay forum, and thought it might get a few giggles here:

(includes the occasional amendment to make it hetero-friendly - please delete/ignore as appropriate)

Tavdy's Creamy Horn

Are we sitting comfortably? Good. Then we'll begin.

To make this, you need...

225g of frozen puff pastry, gently and lovingly thawed at room temperature for thirty minutes (or, as I prefer, betwix the thighs of a page-3 pin-up/young hot rugby player for ten minutes).
1 egg white, lightly beaten.
25g of white sugar

For the filling...you'll need...

1 tablespoon of redcurrant (or strawberry or whatever red jam you have to hand) jam.
150 ml of double cream. Not poured over the quivering breasts of your busty page-3 pin-up/pectoral muscles of your naked rugby player, but lightly beaten. Or, if you like it stiff and hard, beaten into soft peaks.

To make...

Roll out your dough onto a floured surface until thin. Not so thin that it's translucent. Maybe two millimetres thick, one and a half max. Cut into long strips about a centimetre wide, then wrap around cornet-shaped moulds (or, if you're really pervy, a large, clean, stainless steel buttplug). Moisten the ends of the dough with water, then brush with the egg-white and sprinkle with sugar.

Place your horns onto baking sheets and then bake in a preheated oven at around 220c/425 Fahrenheit/gas mark seven for ten to fifteen minutes or until the pastry is well risen and golden. Turn each horn over at around seven minutes. Don't let the sugar brown too much or I'll spank you. Transfer the horns to a wire rack, left to cool for ten to fifteen minutes and remove the moulds.

To serve, fill each horn with cream and jam. Make sure the horns are perfectly cold before doing so, otherwise you may have cream leaking out and we all know how embarrassing it is to have your horn leaking cream before you insert it into someone's mouth, eh?

[acid]

a policeman spots a old lady speeding along the motorway, steering with her knees while knitting.





so, he pulls up along side her and shouts "PULL OVER"






the old lady shouts back,





"NO, ITS A SCARF"

[Jemo]

Whats the bad about being an egg?

you only get laid once

its takes you 10minutes to get hard

the only thing to ever sit on your face is your mum

[NateDawg]

Did you hear about Josef Fritzl locking his kids in the basement and feeding them sandwiches all these years?

Luckily they were interbred...

[k3str3l]

Did you hear about Josef Fritzl locking his kids in the basement and feeding them sandwiches all these years?

Luckily they were interbred...

Fritzl jokes. Will they ever see the light of day?

[boki]

What's Ginger Joe's favourite country?

Yemen

[ginger joe]

yeah man

[tavdy79]

Just seen elsewhere in t'interweb, in an extensive discussion of virtually all the major (and many minor) operating systems since Windows 3.1:

But the best thing is pen and paper,

Stamp and Envelope is optional for outside world communication

I personally would recommend pigeons!!!

Oddly enough, the internet works quite happily using pigeons. RFC1149 covers the standard for it. Not necessarily fast, but it works anyway.

*Googles RFC1149*

"...can provide high delay, low throughput, and low altitude service. The connection topology is limited to a single point-to-point path for each carrier, used with standard carriers,but many carriers can be used without significant interference with each other, outside of early spring. This is because of the 3D ether space available to the carriers, in contrast to the 1D ether used by IEEE802.3.... "

[baldmosher]

RFC1149

http://www.blug.linux.no/rfc1149/

Script started on Sat Apr 28 11:24:09 2001
vegard@gyversalen:~$ /sbin/ifconfig tun0
tun0 Link encap:Point-to-Point Protocol
inet addr:10.0.3.2 P-t-P:10.0.3.1 Mask:255.255.255.255
UP POINTOPOINT RUNNING NOARP MULTICAST MTU:150 Metric:1
RX packets:1 errors:0 dropped:0 overruns:0 frame:0
TX packets:2 errors:0 dropped:0 overruns:0 carrier:0
collisions:0
RX bytes:88 (88.0 b) TX bytes:168 (168.0 b)

vegard@gyversalen:~$ ping -i 900 10.0.3.1
PING 10.0.3.1 (10.0.3.1): 56 data bytes
64 bytes from 10.0.3.1: icmp_seq=0 ttl=255 time=6165731.1 ms
64 bytes from 10.0.3.1: icmp_seq=4 ttl=255 time=3211900.8 ms
64 bytes from 10.0.3.1: icmp_seq=2 ttl=255 time=5124922.8 ms
64 bytes from 10.0.3.1: icmp_seq=1 ttl=255 time=6388671.9 ms

--- 10.0.3.1 ping statistics ---
9 packets transmitted, 4 packets received, 55% packet loss
round-trip min/avg/max = 3211900.8/5222806.6/6388671.9 ms
vegard@gyversalen:~$ exit

Script done on Sat Apr 28 14:14:28 2001