Crap jokes thread

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Well, what does he expect - They're pants!!

[Beatmonkey]

"and pants no longer provide adequate support." rofl, paxmans swinging low in his old age.

"Mr Paxman says he consulted widely on the subject, from people in his gym to the Houses of Parliament." I hope beyond hope that I don't turn into someone like that, please save me now.

[tavdy79]

(yeah, it's a copy & paste - though you might all find it amusing though!)

Hard to believe it, but in the Mac version of MS Office 2008, Microsoft have managed to make TWO pretty bit errors with the installation - both of which are security flaws.

Go Microsoft!

First one. Every Mac file has an owner (pretty much like all other OSes, really, including Windows). Each owner has a number called a User ID (UID) which the computer uses to track who is who.
On the Mac, UID 501 is the first account you create. UID 502 is the second, and so on.
When software is installed, it should either be owned by the UID of the person installing it, or by the system. That way, either the person installing it can control it, or the system administrator can, depending on how you want to do it.
Secure and simple. Easy to do, hard to get wrong, right?
Well, if you are MS, WRONG.
In their infinite wisdom, MS decided to make ALL files in your MS Office 2008 Mac installation owned by UID 502!

This means if you have more than one account on your Mac, the second account has full control over the Office installation, regardless of who installed it. BAD idea.
If you have only one account, then even you have no control over the files as you don't own them.
WTF were MS thinking about?
Do they not bother with things like sanity checks or security audits before releasing things?!

Second flaw.
EVERY single file in the Office 2008 installation is made executable (has the executable flag set)!
BOG no-no.
Yet in their infinite wisdom, MS decided that was a good idea.
WTF? On what planet is it a good idea to make your product less secure?!

There is a way to fix bug 1 (http://www.macworld.com/article/131822/ ... ssues.html has the details) so if you are unfortunate enough to have MS Office 2008 on your Mac, you might want to fix it via that link.
There is no current fix for bug 2 - MS claim to be working on it.

Alternatively you could just get rid of Office and go for iWork08 or OpenOffice, neither of which have the security bugs MS and implemented.

But come on. What the fuck were MS thinking?
TWO security flaws in the installation?
Makes you wonder about the quality of the rest of their stuff, it really does

[tavdy79]

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word from the bird's mouth was rude and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to 'clean up' its vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and it became angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute, until, fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I opened the freezer door.

The bird calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said; 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and behaviour. I am sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my unforgivable behaviour.'

I was stunned.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had brought about such a dramatic change in his behaviour, he continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

In a 2002 CNN survey, the results suggested that 20% of Americans believed that armageddon (book of revelation stuff including the Ecstacy where all believers would be transported to heaven leaving us sinners to suffer the fire and damnation etc.) would occur in their lifetime!

I guess we'd better make the most of it while we can...

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Whilst on the subject of surveys, I've recently been told that a recent survey (I know not who, where, why. My mate Dave told me) that women associate the name 'Dave' with a large Penis. 'Nigel' is associated with a small Penis...

[PaulX]

Yeah, but don't forget that 87.4% of statistics are totally made up.

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Apparently it was in the Januray edition of 'Mens Health' conducted by Onepoll.com and it was 'Ray' that came bottom of the pile, not 'Nigel' I believe this one may be accurate

Interestingly 'Paul' came second among the big boys....

http://www.medindia.net/news/British-La ... 2273-1.htm

[Beatmonkey]

I'm not on either list, does that mean women think I'm a enuch?

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

It's John and Paulas wedding night and after the reception the happy couple retire to the bridal suite....

Kissing and cuddling in bed and noticing that Paula seems to be on edge (and had been for a few days) John, putting it down to first night nerves, asks her whats wrong.

' I have a bit of a confession - I've been meaning to tell you for a while but the time never seemed right and I didn't know how you'd react.'

'It's alright baby - we're a couple now - we share everything and no secrets, right?'

'Well, um... I used to be a hooker.'

Shocked at first, John tries to take this bombshell in, and begins to get turned on by the thought! 'Tell me more'

'Well... My name was Paul and I used to play for London Irish!'