Crap jokes thread

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Whilst on the subject of surveys, I've recently been told that a recent survey (I know not who, where, why. My mate Dave told me) that women associate the name 'Dave' with a large Penis. 'Nigel' is associated with a small Penis...

[PaulX]

Yeah, but don't forget that 87.4% of statistics are totally made up.

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Apparently it was in the Januray edition of 'Mens Health' conducted by Onepoll.com and it was 'Ray' that came bottom of the pile, not 'Nigel' I believe this one may be accurate

Interestingly 'Paul' came second among the big boys....

http://www.medindia.net/news/British-La ... 2273-1.htm

[Beatmonkey]

I'm not on either list, does that mean women think I'm a enuch?

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

It's John and Paulas wedding night and after the reception the happy couple retire to the bridal suite....

Kissing and cuddling in bed and noticing that Paula seems to be on edge (and had been for a few days) John, putting it down to first night nerves, asks her whats wrong.

' I have a bit of a confession - I've been meaning to tell you for a while but the time never seemed right and I didn't know how you'd react.'

'It's alright baby - we're a couple now - we share everything and no secrets, right?'

'Well, um... I used to be a hooker.'

Shocked at first, John tries to take this bombshell in, and begins to get turned on by the thought! 'Tell me more'

'Well... My name was Paul and I used to play for London Irish!'

[tavdy79]

In a 2002 CNN survey, the results suggested that 20% of Americans believed that armageddon (book of revelation stuff including the Ecstacy where all believers would be transported to heaven leaving us sinners to suffer the fire and damnation etc.) would occur in their lifetime!

I guess we'd better make the most of it while we can...

There was another survey that showed that 20% of Americans suffer with prenatal lobotomosis #

Neo-Nazis' Victims

(Couple targeted in anti-gay violence wait for medical help, Budapest, Hungary)

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

What a lovely day today! If a little cold...

I went down to my local park today and watched the little kiddies jumping and skipping and screaming in the playground.

Well, they don't know it's a blank firing pistol.

[PaulX]

So you fire blanks and you expose yourself to young children?

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

So you fire blanks and you expose yourself to young children?

No, that'll be Emo Phillips.

I was gonna post it in your 'Babies' thread but saw that this thread was dropping down the rankings and bearing in mind how upset you get...

[tavdy79]

This had me giggling for quite some time...

[PaulX]

I was gonna post it in your 'Babies' thread but saw that this thread was dropping down the rankings and bearing in mind how upset you get...

Eh?

The Babies thread is Slypsy's.

Not sure if you're being serious or not in the last comment, but I couldn't really give a toss where the thread goes, it was just started as a bit of fun when things were quiet and word association was getting a bit old. It's just a thread for a bit of banter and also serves as a dumping ground for random posts that don't really merit a whole new thread. If you weren't being serious, then you've got into the swing of things.

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

I was gonna post it in your 'Babies' thread but saw that this thread was dropping down the rankings and bearing in mind how upset you get...

Eh?

The Babies thread is Slypsy's.

Not sure if you're being serious or not in the last comment, but I couldn't really give a toss where the thread goes, it was just started as a bit of fun when things were quiet and word association was getting a bit old. It's just a thread for a bit of banter and also serves as a dumping ground for random posts that don't really merit a whole new thread. If you weren't being serious, then you've got into the swing of things.

Yeah I realise that, just bearing in mind the 'rules' in the first post of the thread! I wouldn't want you to end up with a headache!

Whilst I'm here has anybody seen 'The Flipside of Dominick Hyde'? A BBC play first broadcast in 1981 and set in contemporary Portobello Rd. and based on a time travel theme? As far as I'm aware it had only ever been broadcast the once but it's recently been released on DVD. I hadn't seen it for 27 years but I can still well recommend it...

[PaulX]

This story's quite sweet, really, even if it is intended to portray our evil fascistic monarchist regime in a positive light.

http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/357 ... one-s-swan

A little girl of six was so upset after being pecked by a swan that she demanded to know who owned the “naughty” bird.

After being informed by her mother that the Queen is the legal owner of all mute swans in Britain, Elishia Stevenson decided to take Her Majesty to task.

And not afraid to ruffle a few royal feathers, she wrote to Buckingham Palace. But she and her mother Rachael, 36, were stunned when in response they received a letter offering the Queen’s apologies.

“I was so surprised and thrilled,” Elishia said yesterday. “I want to take it to school to show all my friends and tell them about my letter from the Queen.”

[Beatmonkey]

This story's quite sweet, really, even if it is intended to portray our evil fascistic monarchist regime in a positive light.

http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/357 ... one-s-swan

A little girl of six was so upset after being pecked by a swan that she demanded to know who owned the “naughty” bird.

After being informed by her mother that the Queen is the legal owner of all mute swans in Britain, Elishia Stevenson decided to take Her Majesty to task.

And not afraid to ruffle a few royal feathers, she wrote to Buckingham Palace. But she and her mother Rachael, 36, were stunned when in response they received a letter offering the Queen’s apologies.

“I was so surprised and thrilled,” Elishia said yesterday. “I want to take it to school to show all my friends and tell them about my letter from the Queen.”

Some underling in the royals PR department makes an ardent royalist for life, big woop. Has anyone ever eaten a swan? I really want to just cos ole queenie owns em.

[bongobil1]

swan butties all round

[PaulX]

Has anyone ever eaten a swan? I really want to just cos ole queenie owns em.

According to those magnificent newspapers of record, the Daily Mail and The Sun, asylum seekers have been eating the Queen's swans.

There hasn't been a single shred of evidence to support this whatsoever, of course.

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

I'm a leg man, but seeing as they're quite big and muscular I'm prepared to share...

Or swap a bit for a lump of my Sturgeon?

[bongobil1]

Frozen Snickers FTW

[Beatmonkey]

I'm glad to see everyone's jumped on the swan eating bandwagon. A cerimonial roasting at glade prehapes?

As an aside I've never killed and eaten an animal, only brought meat over the counter however I'm toying with the idea of killing something and prepareing it for consumption myself. Not in macbre fantasictic (I don't think thats a word but I quite like it) waybut simply beacuse I eat a lot of meat and I'm expecting people to do all this hard work (it must be hard depriveing healthy, often young animals of life day in day out) for me so I can settle down to my fillet steak guilt free. Maybe we should make every non vergitarian slaughter a cow, could be an intresting experiement.

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

GO ORGANIC!!

Get out there and trap or shoot something wild.

I've eaten Mackerel and Trout (admittedly, the Mackerel was wild and although the Trout was basically a farmed fish introduced at 6" long it was in a lake, living as natural a life as a Trout has I suppose) that I've caught in the past but I've never shot or trapped a little fluffy bunny wunny or a cute little pigeony wigeony. It must be done. We're all aware of the ecological damage caused by, and pain and suffering that the animals endure as a result of intensive farming practice and it should be a point of concience that if you eat meat you should have the balls to kill it.

There is a guy in Cornwall who buys no food, grows his own veggies and supplements this with roadkill. I was once tempted by a fairly fresh looking Phesant but it was on the central reservaton of the M23 and I thought it safer to buy a £2.50 Chicken in Tesco than to stop and dash.

[PaulX]

GO ORGANIC!!

Get out there and trap or shoot something wild.

Get us some wabbit, Davey.

[Beatmonkey]

We're all aware of the ecological damage caused by, and pain and suffering that the animals endure as a result of intensive farming practice and it should be a point of concience that if you eat meat you should have the balls to kill it.

This was my point. I've caught a fish before but put it back alive and only slightly harmed (Another tangent, how can fishermen claim its not cruel, I think I'd be pretty pissed off at being impailed on a hook before being yanked this way and that) I think I would've been able to bash that on a rock and eat it, mammels tug on the heartstrings a bit more though don't they. Theres lots of pheasent and other game round my parents house (due to the high amounts of toffs) I might have to poach me one of them over the easter break. (If its the pheasent season)

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

We're all aware of the ecological damage caused by, and pain and suffering that the animals endure as a result of intensive farming practice and it should be a point of concience that if you eat meat you should have the balls to kill it.

This was my point. I've caught a fish before but put it back alive and only slightly harmed (Another tangent, how can fishermen claim its not cruel, I think I'd be pretty pissed off at being impailed on a hook before being yanked this way and that) I think I would've been able to bash that on a rock and eat it, mammels tug on the heartstrings a bit more though don't they. Theres lots of pheasent and other game round my parents house (due to the high amounts of toffs) I might have to poach me one of them over the easter break. (If its the pheasent season)

If you're gonna poach it, why worry about the season?

'Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit...'

[WaveyRaveyDavey]

Incidentally, as I've now made my 100th post, will I get a telegram (email?) from the Queen (admin.?)

[Beatmonkey]

Well I wouldn't want to accidently kill a pregnant animal or something like that, killing may be the goal but that doesn't mean I'm going to engage in rampant slaughter.

And your telegram is in the post, however what you have probably failed to realise is that in the gladtalk small print is a leagal binding clause stateing that after 100 posts all your assests belong to the gladtalk empire. (It happened to me, unfortuly for gladtalk inc. all they got is £6 grand of student debt and an overdrawn bank account)