Risque Jokes

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Risque Jokes

Postby tavdy79 » 25 Jan 2008, 17:56

If you don't like non-PC jokes, don't read on.

If you do, I'll not be held responsible for split sides! I have more if people like...

(and yes, they do mostly involve sex)








A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck .

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone

'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft hunk standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: 'I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...'

-----------------

A man is concerned about a dull throbbing pain in his knob and seeks medical advice.

His GP tells him: "I'm afraid it's simply wearing out and under normal circumstances there would be nothing I can do to help, however there is a brand new experimental procedure which you could undergo, it involves using part of an elephants trunk, but it does have it's risks in terms of after effects."

"Anything! says the man, "I have an extremely active sex life and can't bear the thought of never being able to shag again".

Off he goes for the operation and 3 weeks later he's passed fit to resume normal sex.

He invites an extremely attractive neighbour over for dinner, things are going really well when he feels a stiring below, his knob becomes so large it's getting painful and he undoes his zip.

With that, his enormous grey appendage leaps out, shoots across the table, takes a bread bun and just as quickly, disappears into his trousers.

"My word!" says his guest, extremely impressed and slightly curious, "can you do that again?".

He replied in a shocked voice "Probably, but I don't think I could fit another bread bun up my arse!"

-----------------

What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other a blow-job.

-----------------

How many nails in a lesbian's coffin?

None - its all tongue and groove

-----------------

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was very concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"

-----------------

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering "Dave, you're a vet..."

-----------------

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

-----------------

Mary Sue of Ohio was a prominent member of her Church...She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

She remarried once more and this time has 5 more children. Alas, she finally died shortly after her third husband.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One catty member of the church leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

-----------------

What's the difference between a Spice Girls video and a porn video?

The porn has better music.

-----------------

Have you heard about the new "Exorcist" movie?

They have the devil come in to take the priest out of the child.

-----------------

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
On the first day the young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this, old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over - so take a hike!"
The old rooster says, "Aw, come on, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. We won't bother you."
The young rooster yells, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Farmer Brown was sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, he looks up and sees the old rooster running away from the young rooster. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust and says, "Darn it! That's the third gay rooster I bought this week."
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice-cubes got stuck up my nose.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who dont.
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